I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
