Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize