Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
