he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
