oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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