Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
