I am in a vortex of obligation.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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