I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
