ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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