Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
