Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
