why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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