I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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