I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
