I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
