I can text with my tongue
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I would fuck him just for his dog
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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