I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?