she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT