I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"