I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
