My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.