new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
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My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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