Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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