you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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