WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
