Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
