I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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