I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
