if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
