I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
