I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
