The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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