Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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