spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
