somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
