How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize