I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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