This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i've created a new STD.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
