dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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