I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
