She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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