Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
