My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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