I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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