I just threw up on my dentist
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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