Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I puked a lego.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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