I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
