maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
