Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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