Umm I'm too high to move.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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