I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
