Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
