I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
