No awkward lesbian experiences without me
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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