Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
