he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
you guys were way drunker than both of me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
