that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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